The Bible is not a chick flick by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s summertime and often, over some S’mores by the campfire, people ask me about ancient customs leading to marriage. The issue of “Biblical courtship” has come to the forefront again with Joshua Harris’ (author of the 1997 “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” book) declaration this week that he is divorcing his wife and is no longer a Christian. Really?
Sigh.
So what’s the Bible way?
Different cultures have different traditions. What’s normal in one country may not fly elsewhere. As born-again believers, we should be examples of faith and purity. That’s the bottom line. It’s very specific, without being specific at all. That’s the beauty of the Bible—no matter what your culture, you most likely will be living “against the tide” and you’ve got to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
His book was written when he was 21, which I would imagine would mean that he’s in his early 40s now—old enough to realize that if he made some rash pronouncements or raised some unrealistic bars—apologize (which he has done) and work to make the world a better place. I get it, Josh, I really do. Most people have probably entertained the thought at one time or another of chucking it all. Not worth the fight. But giving up is not the way, either.
Josh came out of a congregation where there was no dating… but plenty of allegations of sexual abuse against children. Sad. I get it. David French wrote an excellent piece in the National Review where he poignantly sums up Harris: “He is like an inadvertent arsonist, who flees the burning house rather than helping fight the fire he helped ignite. I’m sad to see him go. I’m sadder still to see the pain he caused when he was present.” Which brings us today to Biblical culture and customs on the subject and what’s appropriate for today?
Moses helped a man with some lovely daughters—that might be a good strategy. Impress the dad and get the girl. Aquila and Priscilla worked in the same trade. Isaac had a servant/friend scope out the situation and make a match with a young lady, Rebecca, who proved to be a self-starter (and fond of jewelry!). Jacob became involved with some sisters’ rivalry and he probably, at some point, just should have said no.
Much like modern times, believers then and now were called to some level of common sense. Talk to potential mates. Get to know them, preferably in public places. Have friends and family steer you in the right direction. You don’t need a word of prophecy. You don’t need to marry a complete stranger that you’ve never even held a conversation together.
Visit any top hotel in Jerusalem and Orthodox Jewish singles will be packing out the cafe area. They’re having coffee and getting to know each other. In public. They don’t hold hands. They don’t sit close. They meet, they talk, they see.
“Nu?” everyone asks afterward. Well?
It’s a beginning. Slow and steady wins the race. Nothing weird. Nothing inappropriate. Talking. Friendship. Prayer. Fun activities. That’s how they built lives together long ago and it’s a good pattern for today, too.
Whatever you do, don’t kiss the Lord goodbye! Isaac was in the field praying when Rebecca came riding up on a camel. Coincidence?
Nah. He is our foundation and source of every good thing.
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